In same ways, I don't know where to begin. If I am being honest, and I always try to be as transparent as possible here, I was expecting one of two outcomes this morning.
- My lining to be improved and for Dr. Shanti to give the green light for Friday
- Things to be unchanged
Again, we were met with an unexpected outcome. My lining was still thin, but improved, from 5.4mm to 5.9mm but now there is fluid, <2mm data-preserve-html-node="true" of fluid. We were not expecting that. Another ultrasound where Dr. Shanti asked us, "what do you want to do?". In some ways, this is a strange question. I think as a patient you are often TOLD what to do. We where very clear with her that this was likely our last attempt. She has remained willing to do what WE want, even if that is different than what she would advise. She would normally advise cancelling and starting over. I am, we are so grateful for a physician that we have bulit a relationship the past 3 years.
So now what? I don't totally know. Right now we are walking this journey one step at a time, which is really one day at a time. The only option to still transfer the embryo Friday as planned is to start the Progesterone and pray that the fluid is gone.
I forget what I have explained to people in perosn and what I have shared here. I hope this is not redundant. Dr. Shanti explained to us that estrogen helps thicken, progesterone organizes.
We let that office confused. I stood in the lobby of The Ridge Community Church Oak Creek Campus after leaving and was met by a dear friend from our Ridge Group who asked how I was. Without even hesitating I answered honestly. I almost instantly regreted it because it opened such a huge emotional flood gate. I wanted to be tough, to be able to attend service without answering quesitons or anyone noticing me; that became impossible.
We need an ultrasound before Friday to ensure the fulid is gone. If is is not gone by mid week the transfer would be cancelled. I like order, to plan. I want to have an idea of what the next step is. I am trying to live decision to decision right now. We don't have peace about calling it off altogether since Dr. Shanti is willing to proceed if we want her to.
Please continue to pray for us. We are stilling climbing the mountain, like Abraham waiting for God to provide for us. We are continuing to pray for God to move miracously. We are continuing to pray for His will in our lives and peace and clarity.
I was hoping this was going to be a joyful update. Honestly, we feel deeply sad and it is sobering to write all of this down. Thank you for sharing in our journey. We hugged Caleb and Issac extra tight today. We were able to sit at the table as a family of four tonight for dinner and that was such good medicine for my soul.