I don't really know where to start. God has lead our family on an incredible faith journey these past 4 years. From sitting in Bethancy Christian Services office starting the domestic adoption process to now. Like Abraham we had to trust God each step of the way. Unlike Abraham God did not provide a ram. He took our sweet little one to be home with Him. On Monday late morning we learned that we were not pregnant.
I believed, as did Ricky that we were pregnant. My friend Laura encouraged me to adopt the mantra "pregnant until proven otherwise (PUPO)". I tried to embrace that as we waited those 10 days. I was having a lot of pregnancy like symptoms, I was feeling encouraged in those days of waiting.
We are grieving. This is loss that has a heavy wait on us. Monday, October 15th was National Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness day. Many families worlwdie lite a candle at 7 PM to create a wave a light. We joined them in lighting a candle (true confession, it was after 7 PM). We have had 4 sweet embryos go to be with Jesus before we could love them here on earth.
At first, I was not sure this day applied to me. That my loss somehow felt less than families who got a positive pregnancy test and later miscarried. Or families who lost a child after delivery at any point. I was encouraged that this was life, this was "infant" loss. I know its different, but one thing I know to be true is that those were babies. Look at my sons!
If you know Caleb and Isaac they are hard to miss. They are energetic, talkative, and full a LIFE. They started the same way as the babies we have lost. The same way as the babies that are with Jesus. I am so excited to meet them someday. To share with John and Brigid our donor family in loving them.
This was our last embryo. I don't know if our family size if complete. Ricky and I are fairly certain our embryo adoption jounrey is over. We are unlikely to adopt more embryos in pursuit of having more children. This process as been grueling, especially for me. I am so blessed that God gave me the gift of pregnacy as well as nursing. I love nursing Caleb and Isaac.
It has been an incredible 4 years. We have two beautiful sons. We have had our faith tested and stretched in ways I did not know it needed to be. Yesterday, Tuesday, October 16th the YouVersion verse of the day was Hebrews 10:23,
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithfull."
I believew that, He who promised is faithful. I have been reading through Hebrews with She Reads Truth.
On October 8th, I read Hebrews 4:16 (I am a few days behind),
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
We are in a time of need.
Please join us in praying:
- That we would draw near to God
- That we would find cmofort and clarity
- That He would direct our family size